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The constant barrage of self hatred left me feeling like I ran

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Canada Goose Outlet I returned the next year and everything was great. People hardly noticed I had changed! “Hey, did you change your hair? You look wicked awesome.” Then we would go on about our day. Canada Goose Outlet

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canada goose store One day at soccer practice, we were sitting in a circle on the side of the field performing our warm up stretches. As we were stretching, I noticed several of the girls looking at my inner thighs. Looking down, I noticed my shorts had betrayed me, exposing my secret. I tried to adjust but it was fruitless; they had seen everything. Then, to my horror, the beautiful, popular captain boldly asked, “Are those stretch marks on your legs? They look gross.” Boom. Hammer dropped. I don’t remember what I stammered out but I’m sure it was pitiful. I remember trying not to pass out or, even worse, cry. At the end of the season, I quit soccer altogether. canada goose store

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canada goose coats I stopped taking the pills; I was shook. I went to therapy but even then, I never admitted to my secret. All other life aspects were discussed and I did feel like a theoretical weight was being lifted. But I wouldn’t talk about this. This was mine to keep. Up went my weight, and down I went into depression. I hated myself. Really, truly, hated the way I looked, how I felt, how I my brain was processing everything. I hated that I cared so much about something so fucking vain. Who cares? Get over it. Except, I couldn’t. Before getting in the shower, I would look at my reflection and stand repulsed. Every part of my body was a reminder of my failures. My flabby stomach had no chance of returning to it’s once flat canada goose outlet factory formation; a forgotten past. The arms hanging by my sides looked like hams. Those once bright red stretch marks on my thighs had finally faded into my skin tone, but not obscurity. Once muscular legs were now pocked with cellulite, taunting me in the bright light. canada goose coats

canada goose clearance sale Advancing cell phone technology and social media added more terror to my life: instant pictures. Seeing real time how I looked drove me even deeper, crazier. These pictures made my head burn and my skin crawl, even if I was cheesin’. I bawled. Nothing felt canada goose outlet store new york real and my life was crashing out of control. Every day was a nightmare from which I would never wake. My marriage began to crumble around me and then, it was gone. canada goose clearance sale

I was broken and exhausted. The constant barrage of self hatred left me feeling like I ran a marathon. I just wanted it to stop. I starting reading about self love and breaking out of bad behaviors and all the things to which I would previously roll my eyes. Baby steps. I went back to therapy, still never talking about my darkest thoughts, but managed to unload a lot of other baggage I’d been hauling around for years. My burden lessened. I was able to focus more on important things, like my relationships with people. I enjoyed life a little more. I was getting happier. Of course, the voice is still there, reminding me I’m not good enough and never will be. Most often, I can turn the volume down so it’s barely audible. Other times, it’s loud as hell and like obnoxious music blaring at 3 am. Thankfully, those are few and far between. Maybe it’s me getting older and understanding myself better, or maybe I’ve just run out of cycles to keep doing it over and over again. I’m not out of the clear though; I’m still very well aware of what I’m doing to my body. I still think about points and carbs and fat and sugar and all that sht, but I believe I have a better (love) handle on it. I’ve gotten better at recognizing when I start to wander down that dark path and promptly turn myself around. Society is changing; we’ve become more accepting and are removing unrealistic pressures of how to look. People are sharing their struggles. We are becoming better humans canada goose outlet new york (ok, we still have a way to go) and it’s exciting.

buy canada goose jacket Last night, before my shower, canada goose outlet mall I stood naked in front of the mirror. I looked at my arms, my stomach, my legs, my back. Each spot my eyes landed on, I found something positive to focus on. Some of it was a real stretch for canada goose outlet store uk me, but canada goose outlet miami I did it. Hey, I have freckles on my arms. Freckles are cute! It’s something I’ve been trying to do lately and I have to say, it’s working. It’s a huge exercise to retrain your brain, but it does work. I’m not perfect, I never will be, but who is buy canada goose jacket.


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